Beginning Expressions

I find it interesting that I needed to start this blog.

Why do I feel the need to pour my heart and soul out into the computer?

Maybe it's because I've been reading so many blogs and it seems so cathartic.

Maybe it's because I added my old college advisor as a friend on Facebook. He used to tell me "I want you to write something every day. It doesn't matter what your write just write."

Maybe it's because writing things down seems to be a better option that screaming or crying.

Wow, I guess I really do feel like screaming and crying. It's not that there's really anything wrong. I almost feel guilty writing this blog -- because I'm deeply aware of the fact that there are so many people out there that have real problems to deal with. Does that mean that my little, mundane issues have less of an impact on my life? Not really. It does mean that I can usually talk myself out of being upset or angry by realizing how blessed we really are. And I do know that we are.


So, I'm starting this blog as a place that I can express myself about whatever I feel like talking about.

This has been a weird, stressful week. To start with, I got sick. That always stinks. Trying to manage a couple full time jobs (the one at home and the one at the office) is hard enough when you feel good. I've not done a great job at either of my professions this week. Add to that the fact that I have one son who is constantly being monitored by the principal at school (that's another long story for another blog) and one who is 17 and going through incredible emotional growing pains. And it's the week of prom, which is a big deal in most teenager's lives. It's been a hell of a week.


The issue with the principal surfaced this week, causing some anxiety. Fortunately, it didn't turn into a big "need to go to the school and straighten this out" issue -- this time.

The teenage issues, though, have swirled and banged against the wall repeatedly. C, my teenage son, has been trying to find a job for months. And he really has been trying. And the fact that he hasn't, combined with all the other teenage angst, has turned him into a sad, angry, roaring lion. He does realize, fortunately, that he really is ok and that everything he's going through is normal. But that doesn't keep me from worrying. Of course.


The final thing that's really bugging me is my family -- brothers, dad, cousins. No, THEY don't bug me but being so far away is really, really bothering me. I live very far away from them all. (I'm in Utah, they're in Louisiana, Alabama, North Carolina, Kansas and Arkansas.) We've been through a lot in the past few months. And I miss them so much that it threatens to swallow me some times. There's nothing I can do about it. Even if I could transfer, it's not really an option. First, my kids love it here. And I'd never move C right before his senior year. Secondly, my husband would not move. His family is here. If I moved out of state, it would be without him -- which is not an option. So, I just have to deal with this gaping hole that I feel inside of me. I'm trying to plan a trip to see at least some of my family this summer. Finances are tough, though.

Basically, all of this stuff is normal life stuff. I know that. And I know that I'm blessed to have two healthy sons and a wonderful husband. I have a good job, a nice place to live and a good life. I thank God daily for all of this. And I'm sure I'll get through this blue period.

I guess I've expressed enough for now. I promise that I'll express about the good things, too.

Until next time,

Rene'