Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

It's been a long time since I wrote you a letter.  Not that it's been long since I talked to you -- seems like I do that every day.

Of all of the days/times of the year, Thanksgiving is the hardest.  It always has been.  You loved Thanksgiving so much and that love definitely rubbed off on me.  I want to take care of everybody.  Every year I go searching through your old rusted recipe box.  And every year I find your Thanksgiving menu.  I know it by heart.  But every year I sit and stare at it for an hour and hear your voice and hear the sounds of you feverishly cooking.  And every year I wish you were here so you could sit back, relax and watch me do all of the things you always did.  I miss you so much.

The boys are scattered all over the US.  Ric is too busy to visit.  Bobby can't.  Stephen can't afford to.  Then, of course, there's Dad.  I can't bring him here.  And the idea of going there terrifies me.  There's very little I wouldn't give to have any of them close to me.

And not to belittle our relationship with Doug's family.  They are awesome.  And we are very much part of that family.  We love them and they love us.  It's very much like Grandma and Grandpa Bell.  But that can't and shouldn't replace us -you and Dad and Bobby and Del and Stephen and me.

I look at my own little family and I know that we have the solid type of family relationship that I had growing up.  I know that my boys have that in their hearts and souls.  But we're at that really scary part -- the part where they're growing up and will have their own lives apart from us before too long.

Mom, I wish you were here.  I wish you could sit with me and we could talk about everything -- what it feels like to have a child on the brink of adulthood, how to juggle two full time jobs and do them both justice, the best way to make pumpkin pie....

Sometimes my need to have "my family" close by is almost palpable.  Sometimes it threatens to immobilize me.  I wake up not really sure how to proceed.  But then I hear Doug's voice or Chris' or Jesse's and I know where I am and what I'm doing.

Our Thanksgiving will be awesome this year.  I'm doing the whole "mom to the world" thing -- just like you liked to do.  I'm organizing a Thanksgiving potluck for my office that will make 100 or so people smile.  We're having pie night with some good friends of ours (I love making pies but always use Pillsbury ready made crusts!).  Then on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, we're having two families that are dear friends of ours over for a pre-Thanksgiving dinner -- turkey, dressing and all the fixings....almost the exact same menu as yours that's in the recipe box.  And then, on Thanksgiving day, we'll be with our Knaphus family.  (And that is a very, very good thing.  It is very much like our Thanksgivings).

It's been a really hard year in many different ways.  There have been so many days/nights that I've wished you were here.  But every time I start missing you too much, I hear Chris' five-year-old voice as we're driving through the Abilene countryside  "Mom, look!  There's your mom!  She's an angel!".  And I know you're always with us.

Happy Thanksgiving, mama.  I love you.

Your daughter always,

Rene'

Jumbled Expressions

I have sorely neglected this blog....probably out of fear of writing and admitting to an anonymous world what my family has been going through.  But we are strong.  And we love each other.  Perhaps later I will share.

Sleepless in Sandy Expressions

Expressions.  The name of my blog.  The reason I have a blog.  I need to be able to write things down.  To express.  And, yes, to vent.  The problem with "letting it all out" is that you don't know who is reading.  My husband?  My kids?  My employers?  Hmmn.  How can I be free to truly express myself?  

 Anyway, I feel the need to express.  Part of the problem is that I don't have any real friends here who I can call on the phone at any time and just let it all out.  And I don't want to constantly pester the one or two friends that I do have.  I also don't want to always vent to my brothers.

So, what's up in my little corner of the world?  Well, last night was a rough one.  My DH and I don't fight.  Seriously.  We never fight.  We get irritated and annoyed but we don't yell or scream.  But tension does invade our space at times.  Last night was one of those nights.  And why did it happen?  I'm not 100 percent sure.  I know why I was tense and I'll get into that in a minute.  I have no idea what is going on with DH.  I made a comment about the air conditioner being set so low and WHAM!  He went into full defensive mode.  I actually wasn't "accusing" him of anything.  Our air conditioner seems to have a mind of it's own sometimes (seriously, it has this programming capability that thinks for itself!).  But DH decided I was attacking him for turning the air down.  Uh.  No.  I honestly don't care what it's set on.  He said he'd turned it down the night before because we were having guests and wanted to cool the house down.  Uh.  (again).  OK.  Weird because we had a very cool evening and had the house open, but OK.  I honestly didn't really care.  

That set off a night of tension and no sleep....which, of course, didn't help anything.  I lay in bed and tried to sleep.  I tried to think of someone I could call and talk to and came up blank.  (That makes me kind of sad.)

Eventually, I feel into a restless sleep and woke up unsettled.

The truth of the matter is that I was unsettled before the ominous air conditioner episode.  For some reason, demons chose last night to rear their ugly heads.  This particular demon was addiction.  Not mine.  But fear of addiction claiming someone close to me -- again.

I was born into a family of addictive personalities.  Somehow, I managed to escape that curse.  Like so many other things, I am different than the rest of my family.  I'm the only girl.  I'm the only brunette.  Etc.  Etc.  And I'm the only one who doesn't have an addictive personality.  I'm not sure why, but there's no doubt that it's true.  I have tried all those bad habits that people get addicted to (well, no, not all of them...but the common ones) and I have always been able to walk away.  I smoked a pack a cigarettes a day for a while (not a huge habit, but a habit) and one day just set them down and never smoked again.   I've gone through period where I drank quite a bit.  One day I'd realize that I was drinking too much and I'd just stop -- even with full bottles of alcohol in the house, I'd not have a drink for months.

But, as I said, I'm the only member of my family that doesn't have the addictive personality.  every other member has, at one time or another, struggled with something.  And, for the most part, they have overcome their addictions.

Last night, I discovered one of the effects of growing up in that type of situation -- an almost overwhelming fear of addiction happening to someone that I love.  My kids.  My husband.  I don't voice this fear, however.

I have talked to my kids about the hereditary nature of addictions.  I've cautioned them without trying to scare them.  They will make their own way and hopefully my guidance will help.

But I can't share the fear with them.  Or with anyone else, really.  But I feel it.  I know that I'm ok.  That I can drink a glass of wine every night for a month and still be ok.  Because I've proven to myself that I can.  But I don't know that the people I love can do that.  And it haunts me.

My first memory of someone in the throes of addiction is from a period of time when I was seven-years-old.  My mom had left my dad.  Again.  It happened a number of times over the years.  I remember her coming home from somewhere and knowing something was wrong with her.  I had no idea what it was.  It was many years later when I found out that it was amphetamines.  That memory is burned into my brain.  And there are many more.

So, where is this rambling leading.  Nowhere.  I just needed to write it down.  Perhaps to put the fear and memories into words gives them less power.

And I know that, last night, when my DH got all wound up, he was probably feeding off of my unspoken, unexpressed fear.  I couldn't say anything.  He hadn't done anything wrong.  And my fear was/is totally unreasonable.

I spent the sleepless night telling myself that the fear was unreasonable.  Everything is fine.  And it really, really is fine. 

But that demon always seems so close at hand.

June Expressions

June isn't my favorite month.  My kids leave to go to their dad's for the summer.  It's the anniversary of my mom's death.

Ugh.  Two of my least favorite things.

This year, only J went to see his dad.  That was hard -- sending him away without his big brother to protect him.  It's been a few days and he seems to be doing pretty well.  That's always a relief.  Doug and I are doing OK, too, although we miss him.  Big brother, C, is having a tough time.  He misses his brother.  He misses his dad.  Fortunately, he's too busy to worry too much.

As for the other thing, June 26...i'm going to try to not think about it.

Anniversary Expressions

Today is my wedding anniversary.  I'm at work.  Doug is at work.  Three years ago at exactly this hour our open house was about to begin.  Everything was done.  The ceremony was done.  We were married.
The food was ready.  Someone else was making sure that it was served and everyone was fed.

My dear friend Konny Sinton, as well as Doug's Aunt Bonnie, Uncle Verl, and cousin Rob and many, many others, kept everything under control.

It was fun.

But the most important part was that we were officially a family.  We had been a family for a long time. But now it was official  The ease at which Doug accepted being a father has always amazed me.  And the ease at which the boys accepted Doug was truly astounding.

 

Some things are just meant to be.

The other almost overwhelming part was the total love and acceptance from Doug's family of me and the boys.  We were immediately and completely part of the family.  I don't think I will ever be able to tell them just how much that means to me.

I remember that day, three years ago, so fondly.  Every moment is captured in my heart.  It was amazing.  It made me so, so happy.  I love my husband so much and every single day I am overjoyed that we are together.

Today is my anniversary.

I am happy.  I wouldn't change a thing.

I love you, Doug.

Reflection expressions

I woke up today all wound up about my ex-husband.  I don't really know what triggered it. I've read a lot of stories on blogs lately about spousal abuse.  I was married for 12 years, although the final five we were separated.  I was not physically abused.  But the emotional abuse was fairly deep.  And the scary part was that, while I was living this life, I never knew the impact it had on me.
I have a lot to say about this subject.  But, when I woke up this morning in such a tizzy, I talked to my current husband about it.  (He's awesome, by the way).  That helped a lot.  I may write more later.  But, for the moment, I'm ok.

More Prom Expressions

C. had a great time at prom.  They spent an hour or so getting photos taken by various parents. 

They were late for their dinner reservations at a very popular SLC restaurant so they chose an alternate.   They were seated very quickly (amazing for a Saturday night).  The waiter told them it was because they looked so nice. :-) 

The dance itself was held at the Utah State Capitol building -- quite the venue.

Anyway, they had a great time.  I've recovered from feeling really old.  Actually, this event made me (quite fondly, I might add) remember my senior prom.

Sluggish expressions

Mondays are not my favorite days. Although, I guess I should be happy for every day, so that's how I'm going to approach it.

I'm having a little trouble getting my engine going today. My alarm didn't go off for some reason. I woke up just a few minutes after it should have...but it's always rough to start the week late, even if only a few minutes.

Prom was a huge success. C had a marvelous time.

J's team won their first basketball game. It was good...although, of course, he didn't think he played well.

The rest of the weekend was uneventful. Hubby, youngest and I ate breakfast at the Original Pancake House. It was yummy. Ate too much. Then went grocery shopping (yippee).

Had our family movie night. Watched "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels".

Nice weekend. Ended quickly.

Monday sluggies are here. But! I get to see the Celtics tonight!!! YEAH.

(Oh, yeah. The Jayhawks lost. Put a damper on my Saturday.)

Prom Expressions

It's Saturday. It's C's Junior Prom tonight. Who ever heard of prom in March? My husband, the native Utahn, said "when should it be?" Apparently early is the norm here. It snowed yesterday. Prom and snow? Weird.

But today is gorgeous.

There are some other weird things about prom here. One of those is that it's an all day affair. Chris was up bright and early -- 645am. I think he's nervous and anxious. This is a "first date" with the girl he's taking.

We headed to the florist at 9am and got the corsage, which is very pretty. After that, he went to a friends' house to lend his assistance to brunch preparation. This guy's mom fixed brunch for the group of six. C picked his date up at 11am.

After brunch, they went to the zoo. Sounded like a very fun date to me. About 330pm, he texted me "best date ever". He's a great kid. And, no, he didn't text while he was on his date. He waited until he dropped her off at her house to get ready for the night. The evening resumes at 6pm in evening wear.

I look at him, the man that he is, and I see the newborn baby.....or the toddler...certainly not the 17-year-old who is much more a man than a little boy.

I'll write more later.

Beginning Expressions

I find it interesting that I needed to start this blog.

Why do I feel the need to pour my heart and soul out into the computer?

Maybe it's because I've been reading so many blogs and it seems so cathartic.

Maybe it's because I added my old college advisor as a friend on Facebook. He used to tell me "I want you to write something every day. It doesn't matter what your write just write."

Maybe it's because writing things down seems to be a better option that screaming or crying.

Wow, I guess I really do feel like screaming and crying. It's not that there's really anything wrong. I almost feel guilty writing this blog -- because I'm deeply aware of the fact that there are so many people out there that have real problems to deal with. Does that mean that my little, mundane issues have less of an impact on my life? Not really. It does mean that I can usually talk myself out of being upset or angry by realizing how blessed we really are. And I do know that we are.


So, I'm starting this blog as a place that I can express myself about whatever I feel like talking about.

This has been a weird, stressful week. To start with, I got sick. That always stinks. Trying to manage a couple full time jobs (the one at home and the one at the office) is hard enough when you feel good. I've not done a great job at either of my professions this week. Add to that the fact that I have one son who is constantly being monitored by the principal at school (that's another long story for another blog) and one who is 17 and going through incredible emotional growing pains. And it's the week of prom, which is a big deal in most teenager's lives. It's been a hell of a week.


The issue with the principal surfaced this week, causing some anxiety. Fortunately, it didn't turn into a big "need to go to the school and straighten this out" issue -- this time.

The teenage issues, though, have swirled and banged against the wall repeatedly. C, my teenage son, has been trying to find a job for months. And he really has been trying. And the fact that he hasn't, combined with all the other teenage angst, has turned him into a sad, angry, roaring lion. He does realize, fortunately, that he really is ok and that everything he's going through is normal. But that doesn't keep me from worrying. Of course.


The final thing that's really bugging me is my family -- brothers, dad, cousins. No, THEY don't bug me but being so far away is really, really bothering me. I live very far away from them all. (I'm in Utah, they're in Louisiana, Alabama, North Carolina, Kansas and Arkansas.) We've been through a lot in the past few months. And I miss them so much that it threatens to swallow me some times. There's nothing I can do about it. Even if I could transfer, it's not really an option. First, my kids love it here. And I'd never move C right before his senior year. Secondly, my husband would not move. His family is here. If I moved out of state, it would be without him -- which is not an option. So, I just have to deal with this gaping hole that I feel inside of me. I'm trying to plan a trip to see at least some of my family this summer. Finances are tough, though.

Basically, all of this stuff is normal life stuff. I know that. And I know that I'm blessed to have two healthy sons and a wonderful husband. I have a good job, a nice place to live and a good life. I thank God daily for all of this. And I'm sure I'll get through this blue period.

I guess I've expressed enough for now. I promise that I'll express about the good things, too.

Until next time,

Rene'